Great Moments in Dyslexia

Honestly, I have no idea what some newspaper writers can be thinking sometimes.

Take this one who wrote a story for the Leisure and Travel section: “Visit the Wieners of Ontario.” Who the heck would be interested in an article about….well, what IS this about? Tube steak taste tours of Central Canada? Seriously? How could this be appealing to anyone but the pork-sausage-obsessed?  I skipped this story in favor of a short essay called: “Use a Composer to Fertilize your Garden.”

Then there was the copywriter who did a story about our unusual weather: “Unreasonable Temperatures Persist into the Weekend,” the headline read.  Really? Well, I thought, I guess this writer is telling us that the weather really has been terribly bad-tempered lately. Like, if it could be a little bit more rational and stop all this nonsense, then those darn temperatures would get back to seasonal averages! But, no, it has been difficult out of all proportion and there has been just no reasoning with it!

And how about this arts reviewer who wrote about a famous dancer’s comeback in the flawless performance of her signature dance, the physically demanding, “Chicken of the Passage”? Now, I ask you. Who does a story about a tour de force dance about barnyard fowl? Well, there should have been a story about the ladies I once competed against in Adult Tap who did a Pink Chicken number featuring a skunk in the hen house. It was poultry in motion. But that’s another story.

Worst of all are hard news stories that some reporters craft with headlines like, “In his Furry, Rebel Leader Deposes Despot.” In his furry? What was this guy wearing when he overtook an entire regime? A shorty jacket made of bunny fur?

What? Excuse me? That headline read, “Fury?” Oh. Really? I guess that kind of makes sense. What’s that? What are you saying? Wineries of Ontario? Composter? Unseasonable temperatures? “Children of the Passage?” Oh. O.K. I guess.

I still think my interpretation is way more interesting. Hmm. Maybe there’s a newspaper out there somewhere that would like to hire a dyslexic copywriter?