A Hair Raising Tale

Just in time for Father's Day, comes this: a news item about a trend in beauty routines for women. Shaving. Our faces. 

I find this disturbing on a number of levels.

First of all, I feel bad for men. Really, I do. For hundreds and hundreds of years shaving has exclusively been the male domain; ok, except for the Bearded Lady in the circus. Generations of dads have beamed with pride on the day their sons take razors to facial growth. Now, women will coach their sons AND their daughters in this coming-of-age ritual? Will we gals encroach on barber shop bastions asking for, "A shave and a haircut, my good man, and leave the side burns a bit longer this time."? Frankly, I find the idea of standing in front of the mirror every morning scraping off stubble alongside the Mister interferes with the mystique we have cultivated all these years. He has never even so much as seen me pluck a stray chin hair and I intend to keep it that way.

Second, it has never been easy in the entire history of Father's Day, Christmas, and birthdays to find good gifts for guys. In my opinion, those items you see advertised in men's catalogues are just totally lame ass. Who on earth needs an "executive toy" on their desk or anywhere else for that matter, especially one of those things with the silver ball bearings that swing back and forth clacking into each other? Is this supposed to be meaningful, as in, "Your career is endlessly boring, you poor sap."?  Anyway, at some point, buying him ties, socks, power drills, golf balls and barbecue tools just loses its thrill, doesn't it? With those options exhausted, swanky shave creams and brisk brushes made of badger hair seem like nice luxury items that he alone can enjoy. Until now. With women lathering up, this gift idea is commandeered away from the guys and brought into the complex world of women's beauty products. You can bet it won't be long before retinol will be involved.

Third, I can't get my mother's warnings out of my head. When I was a teen, she was dead-set against me shaving my legs. "You start that nonsense and you'll have to do it for the rest of your life!" she cautioned. I didn't see this as a problem. "And?" was my reply, implying, "Fully prepared to make the commitment, mom." So she came back at me with the mother retort she intended would shut down any debate about the issue, "Well, fine, but the hair is going to grow back in heavier, faster and coarser and pretty soon you'll look like Sasquatch." So, here it is almost 50 years later and yeah, I will admit that leg shaving has occupied my summertime toilette all this time. But do I think I've gone all ape-like below the knees? Not especially. Likely the warning was an old wive's tale. But am I willing to take that chance with my face? Not for a second! What if it's true? If I ever go Paleo, it won't be because of the facial hair.

And fourth of all, when I heard that news story about women shaving, I just thought, "Oh, crap. Something else I'll have to do to keep up with other women." I've only just started to whiten my teeth because I've noticed that other gals' smiles are so much brighter. In that context, if shaving catches on, I'll be the only one with a mustache. Great.

So, what do you say, Ladies? Will you join me in saying "NO to face shaving?" Will we declare, "NO! Thank you! It's a guy thing!"?

Happy Father's Day, fellas! You can keep shaving for your very own!