One Foot in the Senior's Home

Alright. Who’s the clown that sent us the Retirement Village brochure? It arrived in the Saturday post. It was addressed by hand, so we know a real person was behind this evil prank. To whomever it was: NOT FUNNY!

I chucked it in the recycle bin beside my desk with a wrist-snap of disgust. It lay there on top of a heap of newspaper ad coupons and AARP applications, mocking me. The image of a handsome grey-haired couple smiled up at me. I scowled back. I mouthed the word, “NEVER!” just like generations of aging family members have done before me. “You aren’t fooling anybody!” I thought. “You two can’t be a day over 50!” Surely no one in this place really looks like these two. It's got to be an advertising come-on, that’s all it is.

They were nice looking, though. Vibrant. Youthful. They hardly seemed like the type of folks who long ago gave up food that actually requires teeth.  

I picked up the brochure again. I “hhmpff’d” and leafed through it. “Live your kind of life and live it to its fullest,” it crowed.

“HA!” I thought. “Yeah, right, which way to the shuffleboard court?”

“Make the most of your active senior years,” the brochure boasted.

“Sure. With dinner at 4:30, that leaves the whole evening free for watching the weather channel.”

Then I glanced at the list of amenities:

·         Park-like setting

·         Free chauffeured transportation

·         Three gourmet meals a day served in an elegant dining room

·         Maid service

·         Health club, library, hair salon, bank and wellness center on the premises

·         Walk to shops, restaurants and medical offices nearby

·         Happy Hour entertainment

·         Full social program including fun outings to area attractions on a cool mini-bus

Wait-a-sec! That sounds like a fancy vacation at a 5-Star resort! That got me thinking. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Why, with so many services there would be so much extra time freed up for more important things; you know, those things that can really crowd your life, like switching your orthotics between pairs of shoes, or mixing up tall, refreshing glasses of Metamucil, or applying Ben-Gay to your knees.  

And with those things out of the way, who knows what madcap mischief and adventure a person might get up to! Bingo, maybe! And Chair Aerobics! Water color painting and learning how to use a computer! Wood carving and crafts! Nature photography! I bet that nice looking couple in the brochure does all of those things!

I’m excited! Retirement is looking good! No young relatives of mine will have to carry me kicking and screaming off to the old folks’ home! Where do I sign up for shuffleboard?