Wardrobe Malfunction

I might have seen this in a magazine once upon a time, but I believe that it was Oprah who said that the Top Ten items in a woman’s wardrobe ought to include a really great pair of black pants. That’s why I own more than a couple of dozen. No kidding. My closet looks like an undertaker’s. Well, I can’t really blame Oprah for this number of black slacks. It’s just that it’s taking me a few tries to get it right.

In my current collection, I have tailored black trousers with creases that are useful for meetings and luncheons. I have black yoga pants with an easy elastic waist that take me comfortably through dancercise, grocery shopping and No-Shower Saturdays. I have stretchy boot-cut black pants that make a short, slightly plump, older gal like me feel a little bit foxy. And I have swanky, wool-crepe, wide-leg, dressy black pants that swish across theatre lobbies. Then there are the jersey-knit, wide-leg crops for looking funky at art gallery openings, the slim-leg, summer-weight cotton crops when black at the beach is just the right note and the black tights for those at-home occasions when I can wear a floaty shirt and look all Ina Garten-ish. I like my Chico’s Synergy, wrinkle-free crops with sassy little silver studs on the cargo pockets. My fleece-lined outdoor winter walking pants are functional when the wind is howling and I’m out with the dog. My slim-leg, ankle-cut, stretch black denims are my latest purchase. And my flattering-to-the-mature-figure, boot-cut, black denim, 5% Lycra, Not Your Daughter’s Jeans jeans are my favorite go-to pants, the ones I’m wearing right now.  

None of these black pants are really great. So, I wonder, how would Oprah define “great” black pants? Are they the ones that take you from office to dinner on the town with just a simple change of accessories like they’ve been showing us for the last 40 years in those sadistic magazine articles? Are these pants meant to be worn in every season despite a temperature differential from summer to winter of, oh, say, 80 degrees or so? Surely Oprah doesn’t want us to cause us angst about this. So, why the heck did my brain fixate on the idea that I could go from day to evening, summer to winter in just one pair of black pants if only I could find the right pair? I’ve yet to find them. Do we honestly think that Oprah is wearing black pants to every public appearance? Not evidently. I bet she has more outfits than Lady Grantham.

I don’t so much buy outfits. I buy black pants. I’ve bought so many, they’ve become my brand, my trademark. And then I buy things to go with black pants. Oprah also said that our wardrobes should include one really great white shirt. Now, let’s see. By my last count, I think I have more than ten. Now if I could only find one to work with even one pair of the black pants!