Neufs - The Sitcom; Episode One: "What's the Luck?"

If TV cameras followed us around it wouldn’t be a reality show. It would be a sitcom.

This past weekend certainly was one. Here’s the screenplay from our ridiculous weekend:

Neufs- the Sitcom

Episode One: “What’s the Luck?”

Friday; 4:30 pm

Neufeld residence; Front hall.

(Two furnace repair guys who have been checking out the boiler are just taking off their blue booties and packing up to leave. Ken enters.)

L, to K: Hi, Hon!

Repair guy: Sorry, sir. We’ll be out of your way in a minute. Ma’am, I’ll just turn down the thermostat. We had it up to 74 to get the system cranked up.

K: 74!!!!! Are you crazy!?! You were alone with a middle-aged woman in a house with the heat up to 74??!! You’re lucky you’re still alive!

(Laugh track: medium chuckles)

Repair guy: Uh, yeah.

K: She only lets me put it up to 65!! In mid-January! I live in a meat locker!

(Laugh track: large laugh)

Repair guy: O.K., ha ha ha. You’re all set, then. Bye! (Leaves hastily. Laugh track: light.)

L: So. You’re home early.

K: Yeah, I thought we could go look at fridges.

L: Excellent! It will be great to get rid of this old relic of a fridge!

K: Yeah, that thing’s so old it kept the Last Supper cold.

(Laugh track: big guffaws)

L: Let me change shoes and get something nicer on and put on some makeup.

K: It’s an appliance store. Let’s go.

L: I can’t go out looking like this!

K: If it was fine for the furnace guys, it will be fine for the fridge salesman.

(Laugh track: medium giggles)

L: Ha, Ha! I’ll be there in a minute.

(Fifteen minutes later, in the car. Laugh track: knowing chuckles)

L: So, where are we going?

K: Everybody I’ve talked to recommends this appliance store on Smithville, kind of over where it runs into Wilmington.

L: Oh, that’s not far. Five minutes tops. But there’s construction over there. Do we have to go now, at rush hour?

K: It’ll be fine. It’s Dayton. How much traffic could there be!?!

L: O.K. O.K. You got it mapped on your phone?

K: I got it mapped. You drive.

L: Alright. You navigate.

(Next scene: K & L in the car. Stuck in construction traffic. Laugh track: medium)

L: Do we stay on here? Or turn at Wilmington? I can’t tell where to go with all these construction barrels.

K: Uuuuuuuh…looks like you turn at Wilmington. This is it! TURN HERE!

(L pulls hard left. Car screeches around construction barriers. Laugh track: big)

L: Sheesh! Are you sure?

K: Uh, no – but keep driving along here anyway. Oh, sorry, that was wrong. We should have stayed on Smithville.

(Laugh track: medium)

L: Well, let’s just go home. I don’t want to go back and sit in traffic again.

K: We’re out now. Let’s just go up here a bit and turn around and I think I know a short cut.

(Next scene: K&L in the car. Stuck in traffic in the opposite direction. Laugh track: big guffaws)

L: What the heck are they doing letting a bus go on a residential street?

K: Patience, my little cabbage.

(Next scene: K&L inching along in traffic behind a bus that stops at every bus stop for blocks. Finally they make a left turn into regular traffic, then a right into the construction zone, then a left onto a side street and pull up to the appliance store.)

K: Well, we’re here. What do you bet it’s closed? Ha!

(Laugh track: light)

L: Oh, no way! It’s only, what, 5:30? On a Friday? They’ve got to be open.

K: 5:27 actually. Hmm. No lights on.

(Salesperson exits from the appliance store and locks the door.)

L: (calling from car window) Are you closing?

Salesperson: Yup. Sorry.

(Laugh track: roar of laughter.)

K: Of course they're closed!

L: Just our luck.

To be continued. Cue theme music.