Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Smack! Right in the Kisser!

Have you noticed that movie kisses aren't what they used to be? Back in the day, a Hollywood kiss was elegant, romantic, and smoldery. You'd simply ache in anticipation for that sublime moment on the big screen. Case in point: Rhett Butler pulls Scarlet O'Hara toward him and growls, "You need kissing. Badly. You should be kissed. And often. By someone who knows what they're doing." And…..he doesn't kiss her! No! He says, "But I won't kiss you," and then you wait for another bunch of scenes to go by before you get to that big smackeroo!

Directors in the good old days gave their actors actual dialogue that lasted for hours before anyone ever locked lips. And locked they absolutely were! Arms clenched around each others' necks. Heads tilted. Lip to lip. No tongues. Mouths motionless. Absolutely still. 

Today? Not so much. Ever since Masters and Johnson we've seen all manner of facial gymnastics. Love scenes these days take place anytime two characters look at each other sideways. "Uh, oh! We better be kissing!" They slurp and slobber like they're sopping up melting ice cream off each others' cheeks.

"Good grief!" I said to the Mister the other night as we watched a rom com on TV. "What's with all the smacky noises?"

"Huh? Smacky noises?" I had interrupted his nap.

"Yes, smacky noises. Just listen to the these two KISSING!" 

"It's a juicy one, alright," he acknowledged.

"Juicy!? I've seen less drool from a dog begging for a piece of liver!"

Honestly, you'd think directors tell them, "More fluids, please! Let's get some saliva going, people! That's it! I want to hear chewing!"

If you ask me it's all a little much. Now, I don't know about you, but kissing at our house isn't quite this noisy.

"Good night, dear. Did you turn the heat down?"

"Uh-huh. Did you set the alarm?"


"OK. Sweet dreams"

"You, too. Sleep well."

One tender peck on the cheek and it's lights out.

"Oooo! That was pretty close to a smacky noise!"

"Good night Scarlet."

"Good night, Rhett."