Scene: My house. Bed time. On the staircase. In the bathroom and the bedroom.
Me: (aloud) (Turning off the TV and living room lights.) Come on, Riley, boy! Time for bed.
Me: (not aloud) (The dog runs upstairs in the dark.) Gosh, it's dark up there. It looks darker than normal. Why the heck didn't I leave a light on up there?
Me: (to myself) (Climbing the stairs to the bedroom.) Because it would scare you to bits if you did leave a light on and if it wasn't on anymore when you got up there, you'd freak right out, that's why. Everyone knows that ghosts play with electricity.
Me: Oh, yeah? I ain't afraid of no ghosts!
Me: Oh, sure, you aren't. HA! You're scared stiff!
Me: I should NOT have read that story in today's paper about Dayton's most haunted places. Curse Hallowe'en anyway. Never mind. Ghosts don't exist.
Me: SOME people see ghosts. And not just psychics. They see them all over the place. A face at a window. Shadows in the hall. A body walking through a door. What if I you see a figure or a face when you get up there?
Me: (Humming softly) I ain't afraid of no ghosts! If there's something weird, in your neighborhood, who you goin' call?……GHOST BUSTERS! Deh-deh-DEH-deh-deh-DEH-deh-dehdeh-up. Wee-eee-eee-oooooooooo-oooo-oooo.
Me: Wait a sec. Haven't you ever the noticed the double negative in that song? AIN'T afraid of NO ghosts? It means opposite. Like, even the Ghost Busters were afraid of SOME ghosts.
Me: (Turning the bedroom light on as fast as I can.) Why do I do this every time the Mister is out of town? This house does NOT have any spooks or paranormal activity!
Me: How do you know? Maybe they only come out when you're all al-ooooooooo-one! Woo-ooooo!
Me: Stop that! (In the bathroom, brushing my teeth.) I have never seen a ghost. Mind you, there was that time we stayed in that creepy, Victorian bed and breakfast in upstate New York.
Me: Oh, that WAS a good one. Just a couple miles from Ichabod Crane country. That place was haunted for sure. You kept your eyes open all night after the crash you heard in the bathroom! BWA-ha-ha-ha! You wouldn't get up to go pee until the sun came up. Hilarious!
Me: Yeah, a real scream. The shower curtain tension rod fell! That could happen anywhere! Besides there is always a reasonable explanation for everything. (Closing the bathroom medicine cabinet, expecting to see a shadowy figure in the mirror.)
Me: Sure. You can tell yourself that.
Me: (Now in the bedroom. Closing the closet door) Didn't I close that earlier?
Me: Oh, shut up. (Getting into bed, pulling the covers over my head. Clicking noise coming from the direction of the radiator.)
Me: What was THAT?
Me: Oh, for heaven's sake. Nothing. I left the radiator open. (Turning on the light and getting out of bed to go turn the radiator off.) Who needs that thing pinging and hissing all night?
Me: That was smooth. You nearly knocked the lamp over turning it on in such a hurry. What if you reach for it when you see a ghost and you can't get to the switch before the ghost does?
Me: You're right. I need something faster. I know, I'll get my emergency light and put it on my bed side table. As close as I can. (Getting out of bed again and retrieving the touch light used for power failures.)
Me: NOW can we go to bed? You've got your little light. Mind you, what if it lights up on "it's own" during the night? THEN you'll be in trouble!
Me: I know what will be fun! Let's think about all the scary movies we've ever seen! Let's see, there was "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken"…..
Me: Stop right there!!! La la la la la la! I don't want to hear it!
Me: OK, but did you hear THAT? A scraping noise!
Me: (Whimpering) Riley? Is that you?