Becoming Ordinary People: A Guide for Harry and Meghan

I, for one, am quite excited that we will be seeing more of Harry and Meghan. 

News reports have said that Harry has now joined his bride and son in Victoria, just down the road from us. I do hope they decide to settle here. Even just today we saw a picture of Meghan, toting Archie in a baby carrier, walking a wooded trail with dogs and security guards in tow. She looked so happy, beaming with an easy smile, drop-dead gorgeous, in tights, a woolly hat, and hiking boots. That was good to see. Already she is fitting in nicely.

That got me thinking that we would be happy to offer the couple some insights into the BC west coast lifestyle. Here are my Top Ten Tips for becoming acclimatized to Island life.

1. Practical head gear. There are really so few occasions when wearing a pretty chapeau isn't just kind of out-of-place and downright weird. The only hat shop I know about in Victoria has the word "funky" in "About Us" on their web site, so I'm guessing that they aren't creating fabulous fascinators. Up here in Nanaimo we have a "Lids" at the mall where you can get a baseball cap custom embroidered. Sporty, but not stylish. Instead, I would suggest, Meghan, that you take a look at a nice "toque" which is de rigueur around here — perhaps a hand-knit one with a fun moose motif in sturdy, water-repellent Vancouver Island sheep's wool. Harry, you should think about a Tilley. 

2. Ditto your day-to-day Island Uniform: Think informal, kids. In our closet, you'll find three different warmth-levels of fleece jackets, one for each season, down puffer jackets, down vests, waterproof outer layers, and sturdy boots: waterproof, of course, one light pair for jaunts in summer rain to the farmer's market in Duncan, the Island's largest, which I know you will enjoy, a second pair for more challenging walks, hikes if you like, or beach rambles with the young lad and his security detail, and a third for January days when the rain gets deeper — aka, snow. Really, the most fashion-forward clothing on the Island is at Mountain Equipment Co-op. For Mommy and Me days at the rec centre, or yoga at the Saanich Bikram studio, Meghan, you might like to check out lululemon on Johnson Street for cute tights and tops. 

3. Canadian Tire. Now that you'll be home owners, you're going to need screwdriver sets and T-Fal cookware. Canadian Tire — call it "The Wheel" to fit in as locals — is your go-to spot for all your housewares and hardware needs, as well as for your snow tires — you'll need them on the Malahat Highway mountain pass from October to March. Bonus: Canadian Tire bucks, which you can collect, stuff in the glove box in the car, and eventually cash in for discounts at check-out. 

4. Local cuisine. Harry, I heard that you tried Nanaimo Bars and quite liked them. Great! Sure, we have the freshest seafood, abundant organic veggies, farm gate poultry and meats, gorgeous local cheeses, and great hippie bakeries, but the Nanaimo Bar is truly our Island specialty — a dessert to die for. You'll need to be careful about over indulging, though — each little chocolatey square is about 4 million calories — literally to die for. If you feel like coming "Up Island," some weekend, we'd be happy to take you on the "Nanaimo Bar Trail" to sample every variety, including a Nanaimo Bar craft beer, I believe. 

5. Pubs. There are plenty of chic restaurants around, some young hipster cafes and bistros you might like, coffee bars for days, outstanding world cuisine in tucked away little places, and always Tim Horton's for donuts and a double-double, but for rubbing elbows with the locals, there is nothing like the hundreds of ersatz-British pubs that dot every community. You could even be served a warm ale and a Melton-Mowbray meat pie — just like at home.

6. Ferry travel. A fact of Island life is we all need to get off the Island occasionally. You can fly from commercial airports, of course (I see you arrived on wonderful West Jet, Harry), or from harbour to harbour in float planes, but the most fun to be had is on BC Ferries. Regular sailings all day from here to the mainland and other islands make the ferry service the best, most scenic, slow-down-and-enjoy-the-journey way to go. White Spot "double-ooze" burgers are served in the cafeteria and Archie would enjoy the play room to meet some local kids. If your grandmother would happen to visit, as a senior citizen she could ride the ferry for free, walk-on, from Monday to Thursday. Her Majesty might like to visit the *&%#@ tunnel on the highway between the ferry terminal in Tsawwassen and downtown Vancouver that she dedicated when it was built in 1959 — which has never been updated. We all "love" to complain about that tunnel. 

6. The Great Outdoors. You've come to a place where salmon is what's for dinner, and orcas and sea lions are spotted regularly just off shore. Deer nibble your garden, eagles land on trees in your backyard, bears rifle through your garbage bins, and cougars troll for terriers. And that's within city limits. Getting back to nature isn't difficult. 

7. Victoria. A perfect choice, in my opinion. At one time, the city was considered, "More British than Britain." Afternoon tea at the Empress Hotel, Harry, named for your great-great-great grandmother, would be like taking tea at the palace again and would make you feel as though you had never left Jolly Old.

8. Climate. Here on the Island, we enjoy the mildest temperatures in Canada. And also the most rain. Occasional fog. But that should make you feel right at home as well! I hope you brought your Brollies and your Wellies with you from the Old Country. You'll need 'em!

9. Extreme Fun. We know how to have a good time here, all the while risking life and limb. Consider these two dare devil events: the annual Polar Bear Swim on New Years Day in the bone-chilling, hypothermia-inducing Pacific. In a bathing suit. Or this summer time madness: the Bathtub Race from Nanaimo to Vancouver ACROSS the Salish Sea strait — that's open ocean — in a tricked-out bathtub of your own design. They've been doing this race for years and haven't lost anybody yet —  that I am aware of.

10. Demographics. This might be a deal breaker for you young folks. Victoria is also known as the place where old folks go to visit their parents. It is becoming hipper and more urban, but is still the retirement capital of Canada. Sure, it's quiet and just the ticket for getting out of the spotlight right now, but if that wears thin and you're looking for, you know, some nightlife excitement after 4:30 pm, you would do well to consider the big city across the pond — Vancouver. I meant Vancouver! 

Good luck, sweeties! We are rooting for you! Welcome to Vancouver Island! 

I Wouldn't Touch That With a 125cm Pole

SOMEONE told me I ought to try trekking poles.

My reply, "THOSE ARE FOR OLD PEOPLE!" suggested somebody ought to be in the dog house for several days.

The Mr: But your knees, Dear. Maybe poles would help keep you steady. 

Me: Yeah? A.) I've seen those women out there with hiking sticks. They're old. I'm not old. It's either that or, B.) People looking at you, like, who is she kidding? Do I LOOK like I actually hike?

The Mr: Okay. Just an idea. 

Truth is, it had crossed my mind. As if I would let on. Arthritis in the knees, with no immediate plan for surgical replacement, does tend to slow one down a bit. I like to be active, but lurching is getting tiresome. I stumble more than stride. Limp rather than lope.

Fast forward a couple of months since this exchange. Shore walk. A beach stoney enough to sprain an ankle. Logs to step over and possibly take a tumble. Slippery, washed-up seaweed to slide on. Just the ticket for a nasty trip and fall. 

Casually, without any hint that he might be right, I brought the topic up.

Me: You know, (taking his arm for support) I was thinking maybe I might try hiking poles.

The Mr: Uh huh (equally casual.) I saw them at Eddie Bauer on sale. I was going to get you some for Christmas. But I value my life. 

Me: Wise man.

Day after Boxing Day. I headed to Eddie Bauer at the mall. Trekking poles. On sale. 40% off. Really good deal. I figured if I didn't like them, it wouldn't be too big a loss. So a shiny new pair came home with me that day. Glossy. Yellow, adjustable stalks. Handles with firm, ergonomic grips. Steel carbine tips for rough terrain and removable rubber feet for pavement. Velcro wrist straps so you can let them dangle stylishly from your forearm if your hands are otherwise occupied, like when you text your husband, "Come get me. I've fallen and I can't get up." 

My stick "test drive" was something of an experiment. The packaging included instructions on adjusting the poles to elbow height, which for me is 125 cm, and how to hold the grips. There was no manual with instructions — you know — on how to WALK, so one's first steps were a bit tentative. Hesitant, to say the least.

I discovered that there are a variety of styles available.

1. The "Come On, Baby, Do the Locomotion." Imagine you are a kid, pretending to be a Choo-Choo. Your hands are at 90 degrees from your elbows. You chug-a-chug-chug along, planting your poles out front — left, right, left, right, in sync with your feet, moving left, right, left, right. Like swinging your arms, only not past your hips. But then you realize you are shuffling like Tim Conway's Oldest Man character, Dwayne Toddleberry, on the Carol Burnett Show. So, you try:
2. The "Cross Country Ski Schuss." This is where you visualize you are a Nordic skier on a snowy track, propelling yourself along by extending those poles way out in front and kicking them way out in back as you elongate your stride and you glide along the pavement. Problem is, your feet still think you are doing choo-choo. So, then, you go for:
3. The "You Know Your Next Step is a Walker, Right?" In this method, you plant both poles out in front and push backward with both arms, at the same time as you step forward, left right. Push. Left right. Push. Left right. This simply screams "Senior Citizen!" You will get where you're going. Eventually. But you might honestly be old by the time you get home.
4. The "I'm a Jaunty Alpine Hiker." In this technique, you use one pole, waving it around, tossing it out to touch base randomly, nonchalantly, with the pavement, feeling like you might break into song: "Val-de-ri, Val-de-ra, Val-de-ri, Val-de-ra-ha-ha-ha." Really, there's no point to it — it's an affectation at best.

So, I gave up and trudged along without aid for a few steps. It was way easier. I continued home, breezily, with the trekking poles tucked under my arm.

Epilogue

Second test drive: New Years Day. Tossed both poles in the car. Opted to take one along for support on our beach walk. It was enormously helpful for crossing over logs, navigating pebbly portions, and securely traversing seaweed drifts. I was in good company. A number of spry oldsters had them too.