Somebody slap me, please, if you ever hear me talking out loud in public about medical issues. I turned 64 this week. And, I am all too aware that health problems are more and more inevitable as we get older, but WORSE I fear, is the sudden urge to TALK about it!
You've overheard those conversations, haven't you? Old people at the next table in your favorite coffee shop sharing squirm-worthy episodes about their "tests" and hideous details about their surgeries. I've heard about spine-chilling conditions of the "OMG! THAT can't actually happen to a person, can it??" category this way. (Too much information, people!! I don't want to hear you! La la la la la la la la la la!!) It's enough to put you off your lunch or latte!
So, I wonder, is this an affliction that jumps up to bite you the day they issue your seniors' bus pass? One day you're a reasonably erudite, middle-aged adult discussing pilates and politics, and then, POOF! before you can say, "bunion," you've turned into a wrinkly sexagenarian sitting in a Starbucks recounting graphic tales of digestion gone horribly wrong with a bunch of other "tsk, tsking," aging baby-boomers anxious to relate their own stomach-churning tales of ghastly disorders and revolting ailments. Please don't let me be one of them!
Let's you and I make a pact today. Let's agree on the following: categorically off limits for conversation over croissants and coffee is anything that is, in-growing, out-growing, sinking, sagging, protruding, leaking, plugged-up, sticking out, impinging upon, or otherwise causing inflammation, irritation, reflux, gastric discomfort, bronchial distress, urinary urgency, bilious eruptions, or internal hemorrhage.
I am totally okay with getting back to euphemisms like, "female issues," and, "tummy troubles," preferably without the hand gestures to indicate those regions of the anatomy to which we refer. Let's just make do with, "down there," and "you know."
And so, I implore you, dear friends — as I am now knocking on the door of full senior citizenship, please do alert me about any overloud oversharing. I have a full schedule coming up with my annual mammogram, a colonoscopy, an MRI on my knee, and a biopsy on the thing that isn't disappearing on my nose. Welcome to 64.
Want to go get coffee? I can tell you ALL about it!