A BETTER MOUSETRAP

It started with a bag of birdseed I left on a ledge in the garage. Soon the bag had a hole nibbled into it and a scattering of seed went trailing away to a secret location. I figured it must be a mouse or maybe ants - wasn’t sure. So I moved the bag into the house and left it on the ledge that runs beside the basement stair. You’ve already guessed where this is going, so I won’t go into detail. Suffice to say this was a Rookie mistake and I was on the phone with ORKIN in a flash.

Now, in case you have never needed the services of an exterminator, here’s what happens. You enter into a year’s contract for exterminating services, which can include bugs of all sorts, although not necessarily termites, rodents, bats, larger mammals, whatever might be deemed a pest in your house – but NOT including husbands or kids (Ha Ha – just kidding.)

The initial visit from your Pest Control Technician – ours is named Jason – includes a full-sweep inspection of your property with special attention paid to your particular “problem.” You pay a service fee for this first visit and a fee every two or three months after that depending on your Pest Control Plan going forward. It sounds like a scam, but who’s going to argue when you have, well, a pest.

Jason’s analysis on the first visit: “Yup. You have mice. The Evidence (for this is what “it” is called, “The Evidence”) shows me that it isn’t many mice. Maybe only one that got in somehow. They can get in through a hole as small as a dime.  But they’re not smart enough to get out again.”

And why would they go out again when the nice lady is leaving bird seed and a bag of dog food out for them. It’s a smorgasbord at the Neufelds!

Jason couldn’t find the hole that allowed our mouse to gain entry but suspected it’s somewhere between the kitchen and the garage – we’re guessing where the conduit for the stove comes in. The solution is to plug the holes with steel wool to prevent the mouse from moving his or her family in and then set traps in the Hot Spots where you find the most Evidence. (I’m learning the technical terms.)

Here’s where it gets interesting. Today’s modern mousetrap takes a slightly more humane approach to mouse catching. No poison for it to trail all over your house for your pets or children to get into. No death throes behind your baseboards. No snapping mechanisms where you’ve placed the mouse’s last meal of tasty, tempting cheddar. Instead, today’s better mousetrap is a flat piece of cardboard that folds into a little open ended box that has a mega-sticky adhesive surface on the inside. Curious mouse steps on adhesive surface. Voila! Caught.

“Then what, Jason?” I ask.

“Well, you can throw the box in a bag and toss it in the trash.”

“That’s horrible. How long does it take for the mouse to die?”

“They eventually dehydrate. Takes a couple of days.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. How awful!”

“Well, I could come out and pick up your mouse and get rid of it for you.”

“You’ll make it a quick death, won’t you, Jason?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

“O.K., but you aren’t likely to come out on a weekend, are you?”

“Ma’am, I will come whenever you call. Night or Day.”

Now that’s customer service.

So we strategically set some traps in Hot Spots. Garage and basement steps. And then we waited. For days as it turned out. The mouse was elusive. We did catch a log of bugs in the garage. And one poor little bird who popped in to get some easy bugs when I had the garage door open. It was stuck by its feet and head to the inside of the box. I was almost as upset as it was. I tore the box away carefully and lifted each little claw off the adhesive. No injury. Then I put my fingers around its head as gently as I could and began to pry it away, saying, “It’s only feathers! It’s only feathers! It’s only feathers!” to assure the bird – and myself – that I wasn’t going to break anything. It flew away as fast as it could, much to my relief, but will no doubt wonder why it is now bald and its feet are sticky. I went inside to wash and try to get the feathers off my fingers.

After this incident, we decided to forget about making the little boxes and just laid the cardboards out flat to maximize the adhesive surface.

With the adhesive surfaces exposed the traps were a lot more difficult to handle. Remember those comedy routines where somebody can’t get anything unstuck?  That was us.  Ken and I were like Clark and Ellen Griswold in “Christmas Vacation” after Clark cuts the tree and has resin all over his hands. The traps stuck to our fingers, our fingers stuck to everything else. 

The dog ran down the basement stairs and got a trap stuck to his tail. Then he scrambled through the house frantic that something was trailing him – with me screaming right behind to try and prevent him for getting hold of it in his mouth. A good chunk of tail fur came out when I ripped it off. (Sorry, Riley!)

Regardless, I wanted action. I laid a raceway of death along the basement ledge and baited it with dog food. The traps were set. We went to bed. Next morning, there was our mouse. I called Jason.

R.I.P. mouse.

We now wait to see if he had any friends or family. A cat might be a good idea.