My Own Personal Horror Movie

Although Halloween is over, beware of monsters that walk among us all the rest of the year.

In fact, don’t they say that each of us harbors suppressed demons? Characteristics that, when unmasked, reveal our worst selves? Alter-egos that, if released to roam, could scare little trick or treaters who dare come to our door?

None of us is immune from goblins that lurk within. Isn’t Halloween all about confronting these nightmarish terrors and thereby banishing their devilish intrusion on our happiness and well-being?

In that Halloween spirit albeit a couple of days late, if you will indulge me, I will confront my inner fiends right here and now.

Warning, this blog may not be suitable for all readers.

First let me introduce, for your consideration, an ogre that has intruded upon my inner peace of late. Meet:

IRRITABILIANA. This fire-breathing, dagger-glaring gorgon has been coaxed out of her Cavern of Cranky by political campaign ads. She can be heard screaming from three blocks away, “I CAN’T STAND ANOTHER AD!!!! WHERE’S THE REMOTE? MUTE!!!!!! MUTE ALL ADS FROM NOW UNTIL NOVEMBER 6^TH!! MUTE, I SAY! MUUUUUUTTE!!!”

Next, permit me to submit:

CATASTROPHENA. Whirlwinds of apprehensive energy and cyclones of anxiety blow in with this beast before she touches down to watch the Weather Channel unmoving, in zombie-like trance from dawn to dusk. Whether it be torrents of rain, deluges of snow, tidal waves, tree-toppling winds or fracturing fault lines, she will remind all who come near, “It’s Global Warming. I’m telling ‘ya. We’re all doomed.”

Or, one of the more heinous of creatures:

NAGULITA. You want to be reminded of something? BWAA-HA-HA-HA! You’re really asking for it, aren’t you? Wear your sun block! Drink more water! Turn the lights out! Put the milk away! Oh, there is no limit on how many nags this niggling, gnat-like, needling Nagulita can torment you with!

Next up is:

HISTRIONICA. OH-OOOoooo-oooowwwww!!! She’ll howl as though the moon is transmutating her into a hideous she-wolf creature. But it is only a surface scratch. A simple, “Owie!” would suffice. But Histrionica makes a big deal of EVERYTHING! She can be seen taking out the garbage or picking up socks with heavy sighs of forbearance as though to silently communicate, “My life is SO difficult!” But she never asks for help. Oh, no, that would ruin everything, because she HAS TO DO IT ALL!! Oww-oooo!

And one of the most insidious of inner devils:

DYSCALCULIA. Dyscalculia lurks in that shadowy realm where murky math muddles change from a twenty or confuses calculations for cooking a 14½ pound turkey at 20-25 minutes per pound.  Capable of draining the life-blood from a bank account in under a half hour, Dyscalcula swoops down over the internet to reign destruction over online shopping venues, but she is doomed for eternity to NEVER being able to balance a check book!

Hm. Oddly, I feel a little better. Thanks for listening. I really should get going now and wash some dishes, do some ironing, make the bed. You know, before HOUSEWORKPHOBIANA makes an appearance. Erk……erk……oh, no...it's...erk...too....LATE!!!!