BRAVE NEUF WORLD: December, Montgomery County

December:

Montgomery County

A Play in One Act

Now an Off-off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway hit!

See it now! Limited Engagement!

Written by: Ken & Lesley Neufeld

Directed by: Ken Neufeld

Dramaturgy: Lesley Neufeld

Starring:

Ken Neufeld Lesley Neufeld

And, Riley, the Wonder Dog

December: Montgomery County

A Play in One Act

STAGE DIRECTIONS: It’s the second week of December and the Neufelds are decorating the Christmas tree. Their faithful Golden Retriever, Riley is asleep on the couch.

KEN: (animated, yet cautious)

Hey, Sweetie, here’s a thought. Let’s NOT do a Holiday Newsletter this year!

LESLEY: Oh no, we can’t quit now! We’ve done an original, smart-aleck-y newsletter for 25 years! Besides, we have fans out there!

KEN: Yeah, but how in heck do we get a new idea at this late stage? We’ve done song parodies on everything from Christmas carols to American folk songs to Broadway musicals; twice in fact. And we absolutely hit our peak with our Beatles suburban album. Remember, “Peace, Love and Barbecue?”

LESLEY: Loved it! My other favorite was the Ken and Lesley Trading Cards. “Collect All Six!” Remember that? And our movie reviews? And Suburbia, the Musical - with the hit song from Les Miz, “Bring Milk Home”? Hilarious!

KEN: That was a good one. So was our parody of “The X Files,”…”The “N Files.”

LESLEY: Ah, we were young then. Hand-done illustrations and photocopy paste-ups - the production took us weeks.

KEN: Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. Who’s got time? Christmas is right around the corner! Besides, we’ve got to stay current. We’ve got to be fresh.

LESLEY: We need Photoshop. Oh, well. Something will come to us. It always does. We just have to think about our usual topics – travel, house, work, Riley, giant zucchinis – and then find a funny concept, like we do every year.

(K&L continue to decorate the tree.)

LESLEY: (pauses)

Well, let’s think. What’s been big this year that we could have fun with? Twitter? Selfies? Miley Cyrus? Rob Ford? Photo Bombing?

KEN: Hm. Maybe. Photo Bombing has some possibilities. We could talk about our trip to London and Scotland. But we could photo bomb you lurking in the background in that picture of William and Kate with the baby.

LESLEY: That’s funny. And we could photo bomb you into the movie set for “Braveheart!” Ha! What else could we photo bomb? How about our major front step and sidewalk renovation?

KEN: I could be in a photo with President Obama advising him on Canadian health care – you know, give him a bit of Tommy Douglas talk.

LESLEY: Oh, I don’t know about that one! That’s going to rub some people the wrong way.

KEN: Good point. It would be difficult to do the photos.

LESLEY: Unless we get Photoshop.

KEN: Maybe Santa will bring you Photoshop.

LESLEY: That’s about as romantic as getting a Lady Schick.

(K&L stop for a sip of wine. Riley continues to snooze.)

LESLEY: (humming American Woman)

I know! How about Canadian songs?

KEN: What Canadian songs? We’ve never done Canadian songs because nobody knows any Canadian songs.

LESLEY: Sure they do! “I’m a Lumberjack and I’m OK!”

KEN: That’s not Canadian, it’s Monty Python.

LESLEY: Oh, right. O.K., Canadian folksongs, then. (Singing) “I’ze the b’y that builds the boat,”

KEN: What?

LESLEY: You didn’t learn Maritime folk songs in school?

Then, how about “Four Strong Winds,” or “Canadian Railroad Trilogy?” or “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”?

KEN: Have you seen Gordon Lightfoot recently – he should have a talk with Kenny Roger’s plastic surgeon.

(K&L put a few more decorations on the tree.)

KEN: Sure was a nice trip to Scotland this summer though.

LESLEY: Ach, laddie. I loved it.

KEN: Me, too. What I saw of it, anyway. I didn’t really look at the scenery much. Driving on the wrong side of the road kinda took my focus.

LESLEY: You were ok once we stopped and we pried your knuckles loose from the steering wheel.

KEN: Yeah. I earned a wee dram of single malt that day!

LESLEY: What’s your excuse for the wee dram on your oatmeal at breakfast?

KEN: Hey - “When in Rome” or at least Glasgow.

(Riley gets up, yawns, stretches, goes over to sniff the tree and then goes back to the couch.)

LESLEY: Poor doggy. He’s a pooped pup. The girls at Club K-9 said he played all day with his buddies.

KEN: Well, I’ve been working all day too. OK, yeah, don’t say it, “We work so others can play.” Anyway, I’m pooped and it’s bed time.

(K&L unplug the Christmas tree lights and head upstairs to bed. Riley bounds up the stairs ahead of them.)

LESLEY: You know, we really are so lucky. We’ve had such a good year.

KEN: True. I have the best job in the world. We live in a great community. We have good friends and family. And you’ve got volunteering at Dayton Visual Arts Center - and your blog (www.braveneufworld.blogspot.com) and dancercise class.

LESLEY: And you love your walks with Riley and your trips to New York to see shows.

KEN: It’s a Wonderful Life!

LESLEY: Hey, that’s the show you’ve got running right now! (pause) Maybe a newsletter idea will come to us tomorrow.

KEN: Say, “Good night,” Lesley.

LESLEY: Good night Lesley.