I've had writer's block since early December. This work stoppage occurred at the same time I got a Facebook post announcing the Erma Bombeck Writer's Competition. I believe the two events are related. And I will tell you why.
It all began in January, 2012. I was a rookie blogger. The Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop was coming up in April. Its companion essay competition whets the appetite for this bi-annual orgy of humor writing. I submitted a piece thinking I might actually be the next Erma. I could see it all. The syndicated newspaper column. The book signings. The TV show. The movie deal. Turns out I wasn't any kind of Erma, let alone the next one. Judges commented that I had a well-structured article, but it wasn't funny enough. It was mildly amusing, they said. But not funny.
Erma was funny. Tina Fey is funny. Amy Schumer is funny. I'm mildly amusing.
Anyway, I regrouped from this body blow by 2014 when it was again time to submit work to the competition. This time I won an honorable mention! Which is a big deal, because there is only one winner — the top prize — no third or second or runner-up — just first place and a handful of honorable mentions. Okay, so I wasn't First, but I was an Honorable Mention! Oh, glory! Oh, victory! At last! My big break! The recognition I so richly deserved! Roll out the red carpet and put me in a ball gown! They like me! They really, really like me! Thank you to the Academy and all of you who voted for me!
My euphoria lasted about two days.
It came to my attention shortly after I got the "Email that was Going to Change my Life" that I had not followed ALL the rules. Well, who reads rules? Am I right? It's like reading all the terms and agreements on a web site. NOBODY does it. Besides, I swear up and down that they changed the rules after I sent my entry in. I clearly (or semi-clearly) remember in 2012 that it was NOT okay to send in something you had previously published but it WAS okay if it had been on your own blog. In 2014, I expected that the same would apply. I was wrong. I looked it up on the EBWC web site. There, bold as brass, next to a flash that said, NEW THIS YEAR! was the stipulation, the directive, the order, the decree, the LAW!!!! that submissions CANNOT have been published ANYWHERE!!!! including YOUR OWN BLOG POST!!! Rats! I blew it.
I had already crowed about my win on my Facebook page! Oh, how humiliating! What to do? The only noble thing was to come clean. I contacted the EBWC folks who were very nice about it. They stripped me of my win. They took my name off their web site. They thanked me for letting them know in enough time so that they didn't embarrass themselves by putting my name in print. But they hoped that I would enter in 2016, because, they said, "You're very funny!" Yeah. A riot.
I had an anxiety attack when I saw the Writer's Competition post back in December. But, I had almost recovered from my 2014 embarrassment, so I decided to give it a shot. I tried and tried to think of a topic. A funny topic. The funniest ever written. A winning topic. Nothing. Trying to be funny is hard. Erma could do it. But she was Erma.
Then I decided to NOT try. What would happen if I just let it go? Surely the muse would bestow her blessing upon me. She sent me "movie kissing." I showed it to the Mister. He said, "It's mildly amusing." I put it on my blog and haven't written a word since.
So, unless I get a really great idea between now and the deadline in February, it is business as usual on my blog, laughing at my own jokes, and hoping that my writer's block gets unstuck. Wish me luck.
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