Seeking a steady course to navigate life's stormy waters? You may well turn to prayer or meditation. Need a listening ear to talk through those deeply personal issues? You might ask for counsel from clergy, therapists, your spouse, or dear friends. But for all your other garden-variety, knucklehead problems, you can't go wrong with Dear Abby.
I started reading Dear Abby as a pre-teen. I haven't always agreed with her, but for the most part, I think that this lady's advice is pretty much right on the money. I've written hundreds of letters to her myself. All of them in my head.
That's right, I have not sent a single one. Whenever something irksome crops up, I find the mental exercise of writing to Dear Abby can be highly therapeutic. Usually, by the time I've composed an imaginary letter, I've pretty much gotten over whatever it was that was bugging me or solved whatever problem I needed to solve. It works like a charm when you're angry-vacuuming or furious-ironing.
You could try it, too! Here's how. Really dwell on your issue until your brain's ready to explode. Then, start off with:
Dear Abby
Good start, right?
Add a line that makes her feel good and that will assure her you aren't a total self-centered narcissistic nut:
I haven't missed a single one of your columns since the 1960s when you used to say that anytime boys and girls get together they should keep four feet on the floor at all times! I avoided teen pregnancy because of you! Thank you!
Then, make sure that she's paying attention. Your problem is pretty bad, right?
Even though I have read your advice for nearly 50 years, I haven't had such a dilemma as I do now that would make me write to you.
Next, describe yourself. Be as flattering as you want to be. It's your bio. You're the protagonist of your story. Paint yourself in the best light possible:
I am a 63 year old woman, pleasant, friendly, and a heck of a good .…
Add details about your personal life. This is so that Dear Abby knows that you are undoubtedly the one in the right regardless of the disagreement you're writing about:
….happily-married, retired from a brilliant career, community-do-gooder, now a stay-at-home dog mom, humor blogger, and part-time aspiring artist who….
Now, you're ready for the body of your letter. This is where you launch into your particular predicament, introduce the antagonist(s), and set up the question:
For the last few weeks, I've been….
It has left me feeling…..
And I really wonder if I should tell them that they….
Or if I should stifle the urge to…..
Fill in the blanks as appropriate.
The next section is the "sell." This is where you stress the urgency of your issue and drive it home with emotional emphasis:
Do I risk being called a.….?
Or am I perfectly justified in being….?
Honestly, Abby, I don't know WHAT will happen if I don't….!
This ……is driving me CRAZY!
I REALLY need your advice!
Finally, close your pretend letter with a compelling, thematic sign-off that recaps the acute nature of your dire need. While you're at it, give yourself a clever nickname that sums up your current mood. This is the most creative section of your letter, so give it all you've got:
Yours in anguish,
Dee-Dee (Distressed and Distraught) in Dayton
There. You've gotten it all off your chest. Now, don't you feel better? And just think: you saved yourself a postage stamp! Go! Write your letter.
Dear Abby,
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