ROLLING THUNDER

April 5, 2011
Rolling Thunder

I bought a rolling pin the other day. It isn’t a deluxe, gourmet model that might help me morph into Martha Stewart. It’s pretty ordinary really: heavy, with wooden handles and non-stick coating on the roller, $7.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond. It will be serviceable enough for its assigned purpose.

I haven’t purchased a rolling pin since Ken and I got married in 1977.  That one is a sleek, Scandinavian wooden stick; no handles, no roller, just one piece of beautifully carved maple. At the time, it suited my just-graduated-from-design-school sensibilities when I was determined to follow the modernist edict to fill my home with purely functional, but beautiful objects – preferably designey and over-priced. It isn’t heavy – it simply relies on the motion of hands rolling dough with a bit of body weight thrown behind it. It still feels like an organic, artful object every time I use it. It’s a keeper.

I have had only one other rolling pin in my 34 years of married life – one that a friend gave me when her mother died. As my friend sadly disposed of her mom’s worldly goods, she looked for good homes among her foodie friends for the kitchen utensils. This was a nice sentiment and I felt an obligation to keep this particular rolling pin in service. But it got left at the back of a drawer for too long during my “pies are the devil’s work” phase. It developed a bit of mildew which put me off ever using it again and, although I felt a pang of guilt and said a small prayer for my friend to forgive me, I threw it out in one of our moves.

This newly purchased rolling pin won’t see kitchen duty. Instead, it will be put to work reducing the cellulite that sits on my thighs like un-punched-down bread dough. I recognize the irony. It was baked goods that put the doughy fat on my thighs in the first place. But my personal trainer, E.T., insists that daily rolling will break down the toxins stored in these fat cells and ultimately help to get rid of them. Exercise, weight lifting and stretches are all in the equation, of course, but I’m willing to BELIEVE  and roll my thunderous thighs to urge any transformation that might be possible. I just won’t be using my Scandinavian pastry roller for this task.

E.T. (her nickname) is German-born and is a 4-time World Body Building champion. Now she devotes herself to training private clients and to teaching fitness classes to aging boomers and seniors who recognize the need to stay supple and strong. She really knows her stuff – body mechanics and how to do exercises safely for maximum benefit. So I’m inclined to try the miscellaneous hints and tricks she suggests.

If you’re tempted to try this yourself, just in case it works, remember to roll one way only – toward your heart.  And you’ll probably want to rinse the rolling pin off before making a pie.