Saturday, March 5, 2016

Downton Undone

Like many of you, I will grieve the loss of my friends on Downton Abbey when the series concludes this Sunday. We all have so much invested in knowing and loving them, haven't we?

I had thought to write a eulogy. But I prefer to remain in denial and imagine them going on about their lives, facing new challenges, wearing nice dresses. And so I decided instead to think about their futures; to celebrate their characters, and envision what lies ahead. 

Here's what I think happens to some of my favorites.

Mopey, Underhanded Under Butler, Thomas: Things get cheerier for Thomas when he gets together with footman, Andrew, who finally comes to understand that he, too, is gay. They open a business as wedding planners.

Spunky Kitchen Maid, Daisy: Seasons five and six have foreshadowed heavily that Daisy will either become chief cook and bottle washer on her Father-in-law's farm, or she will become a teacher, what with all that book learning she's been doing. But I predict that she will instead marry a green grocer in Grantham, Lincolnshire, change her name to Edith (for good luck) and have a daughter in 1925, who will eventually become Maggie Thatcher, Prime Minister of Britain from 1979-1990.

Inscrutable Valet, Mr Bates and his wife, the Repressed Lady's Maid, Anna: What are the chances that both halves of a married couple will have spent time in jail within a 10 year period? These two get bored with domestic bliss and declare, "To heck with it! No slammer can hold US!" They embark on a crime spree to rival Bonnie and Clyde. They become jewel thieves and extort money out of Lady Mary and other posh society women who have killed off Turkish diplomats with iffy tickers merely by sleeping with them. They take it on the lam when they hear from Thomas that someone has reported them to the police. They high-tail it to Argentina and open a dance studio where Bates creates a special dip step due to his gamey leg. 

Fair-minded Footman, Moseley: Moseley soon proves himself to be a good teacher and is offered a full time position, but when he blows the whistle on Bates and Anna, he is put into a witness protection program in an undisclosed location. He changes his name to PG Wodehouse and writes the marvelous "Jeeves and Wooster" stories about a superb butler who fixes all manner of mayhem caused by his feather-brained employer.

Empathetic Lady's Maid, Baxter: Baxter decides that she might as well turn all that empathizing with other people's problems to good use and applies to pen the agony aunt column in Lady Edith's magazine. When she hears that Spratt, that stuffy, priggish, toffee-nosed butler from the Dowager Countess's, already has the job, she launches a campaign to oust him by spreading a rumor that he is the baby-daddy of Denker's love-child. Baxter becomes the pre-eminent writer of advice columns on both sides of the pond and becomes famous for originating the sage nugget that Dear Abby shared with generations of young lovers, "always keep two feet on the floor" to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

Lugubrious, Rule-bound Butler, Mr. Carson, and his wife, the Long-suffering Head Housekeeper, Mrs. Hughes: Mrs. Hughes-Carson throws a pot of burnt potatoes at the old booby's head one day after he complains about her cooking one time too many. She moves in with former Downton Abbey cook, Mrs. Patmore whose new Bed and Breakfast is floundering due to bad press over an unmarried couple shacking up there back in 1922. They decide that a house of ill repute actually will be much more profitable and bemuse themselves by becoming madams. But when Mrs. Patmore starts dating Sergeant Willis, of the local constabulary, they convert the brothel to a pub. 

Mr. Carson takes a job as doorman at the Dorchester Hotel in London.

Starchy, Self-satisfied, Isobel Crawley: Not easily wooed, Isobel rejects marriage proposals from both Lord Merton and Dr. Clarkson, saying that she can't see herself washing their socks for the rest of her life. She pours herself into her latest cause, safe driving, and works tirelessly to get traffic lights installed in the village. She eventually is persuaded to become president of MAAD - Mothers Against Actors Driving.

Unlucky in Love, Lady Edith: Reconciled to the fact that her beau, Bertie Pelham, is a total wuss Mama's boy, Edith gives up on ever finding a suitable man to marry. Instead she throws herself into her career publishing the magazine she inherited from Michael Gregson, her long-lost love, and father of her illegitimate daughter, Marigold. When Gregson returns to England after many years of being presumed dead, Edith gives him a thousand pounds to get lost again. She and Marigold establish a women's magazine empire that eventually becomes British Vogue.

Snooty, Hot-Tempered, Lady Mary: Enigmatic as ever, Mary confounds her family and friends when she divorces Great-Catch, Auto-racer, Henry Talbot, and marries her brother-in-law, Tom Branson, the family's former chauffeur, saying, "Tom's a better driver." Tired of running the Downton Abbey estate, they move the kids to a suburb of Detroit where Tom opens a highly successful Pontiac dealership. They buy a Frank Lloyd Wright-designed house that leaks.

Upright Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, and his Innocuous wife, Lady Cora, Countess of Grantham: Advised by Doctor Clarkson to take it easy with that ulcer, Lord and Lady Grantham throw in the towel and hand over Downton Abbey to cousin Isobel who plans to make it into a health spa and rehab center for aristocracy that have lost their estates. Robert and Cora move into a wee croft on brother-in-law, Shrimpy's Scottish estate where they raise Labrador Retrievers. 

Wise, Caustic and Witheringly Scornful, the Dowager Countess of Grantham, Violet Crawley: At age 92, Violet is devastated by Isobel taking over the estate and suffers a breakdown. She escapes the sanatorium they put her in and is last seen living in a van on the driveway of a London playwright. 

Well, there you have it. I can't wait to find out what Julian Fellowes has in mind for these people. Can it possibly be as good?





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