I've lost count of how many times I've heard someone say, "If that Blankety-Blank, So-and-So gets elected, I'm moving to Canada!" And I say, "Beauty!"
So, let's assume for a moment that you decide to pack up your things and take a runner northward, or, as a columnist in our newspaper put it, "Drive until you see moose." Ha ha. I thought that was very droll. How many of you knew he was joking? Come on. Show of hands. (Oops, sorry! Too much like a Trump rally?)
We do have moose, but they aren't exactly strolling the streets of Toronto. In fact, if your mental image of the "True North, Strong and Free" includes polar bears patrolling the 49th parallel, then you, my friend, need a Canuck tutorial.
Lucky for you, I'm launching a new business: "Your Canada Concierge." My mission: Helping Americans assimilate into Canadian culture one toque at a time.
Yes, your every question about life in the Great White North will be answered. Questions such as, "What's a toque?" (pronounced "two-k.")
Let's start there. A toque is what we Canucks call a woolen hat. And you are going to need one, believe you me. You are also going to need a parka, boots, mitts, scarves, long johns, thermal socks, and a nose-cozy. And that's just your summer gear! Ha ha! Kidding! (It's too easy.)
And while we're on the subject of words you need to learn, we Canadians have two official languages: French and English. You'll want to lose your Americanized pronunciation of words like "foyer" and "Iroquois," "basil" and "scone." It's "foy-yey, Ear-a-kwa, baah-zil, and sk-awn," as in "prawn," NOT "foy-yurrr, Eer-o-KWOY, BAY-zil, and sk-own" as in "prone."
Go ahead and order "poutine" in a restaurant, but remember, it's "poo-teen," which is word that means: sinful heap of French Fries smothered in gravy and topped with cheese curds, otherwise known as "Just Bring me my First Coronary Incident."
Also language related: try not to add, "eh?" to the end of every sentence. We hardly notice when we do it ourselves, but excessive use with too much emphasis will raise suspicion that you are mocking us. So will going up to people on the street and asking them to say, "oot and aboot," and then falling down laughing. Not cool.
Our currency might trip you up. Literally. Loonie and Toonie are not the names of a circus dog act; these are Canada's one and two dollar coins. You'll be carrying so much excess weight from all those Loonies and Toonies you'll risk a herniated disk making change from a twenty. Better to use your "Interac" debit card. Yeah. Hard to explain — money managed by a nonprofit. Only in Canada.
The currency you really want to get your hands on, though, is Canadian Tire Money. It might look like a loyalty program at your neighbourhood hardware store, known to locals as "The Wheel," but it's true value is akin to a Roth IRA. Like every Canadian, you'll want your car's glove box stuffed with hundreds of Canadian Tire bucks that you're squirreling away for your first snow blower. In fact, you might want buy stock in Canadian Tire because if someone builds a wall across the border, they're going to need tools!
You can't get more Canadian than ordering a maple-glazed doughnut and a Double Double (coffee, two creams, two sugars) at the Tim Horton's. There are Tim's everywhere; close to 4,500 locations in Canada, as opposed to only 1,360 Starbucks. Nobody in line at the Tim's is ordering a grande soy half caf latte macchiato no foam extra sweet. Know what I mean? Tim Horton played hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is the one time when the plural of "leaf" is "Leafs."
If you know nothing about hockey, you can save your bacon in the Monday morning water cooler conversation by saying, "I'm going with the Coach on that one!" The Coach is Don Cherry, and you'll want to watch Coach's Corner after the first period of televised games to fully appreciate Canadian eccentricity at its extreme. If you don't "get" him and his jackets made of loud drapery fabric, never mind, neither do we.
Speaking of bacon, we don't call it "Canadian bacon" at home. It's "back bacon." Saying "Canadian bacon" is redundant when you're already in the country.
The plural of "Canada Goose," is "Canada Geese," not "Canadian Geese." The birds have no nationality. "Canada" is their species name. However, Canada Goose also refers to a brand of the warmest parkas money can buy. See above for list of equipment you will need.
We say, "Sorry!" when someone bumps into us.
They're bread "buns," not "rolls." We ask for a "serviette," not a "napkin." We excuse ourselves to use the "washroom," not the "restroom."
In the fall, we clean out our "eavestroughs" not our "gutters."
In 2015, Canada held its longest election in history. It was 78 days. That's 10 weeks, my friends. Think about it.
So much for you to learn. But when you need help, I'm here for you. You can count on me: Your Canada Concierge.
Although, on second thought, we'll see how things turn out. You might not be able to reach me after November because we'll be racing you to the border. We've code named our relocation mission, "Crossing the Alps."
No comments:
Post a Comment